Friday, September 15, 2017

wats gud!!!

***warning: this is lengthy***

hello everyone!!! (no one really checked my blog when i was trying lmao but hey) 
it's so weird to be typing on here but it feels good, i can't believe it's been 3-5ish years since i've last made a blog post. i didn't make a lot of posts in the past, i mostly wrote them as an outlet even though i wasn't venting, but i've always loved sharing my ideas, thoughts, opinions, things that are happening, and whatever projects i'm working on. what mostly stopped me from writing was my anxiety, which began during my junior year of HS, and affected my health during my second year in college. but now that i've allowed myself to have time off and to have solitude (i want to create a whole post about this), i'm feeling more better about myself and confident about what choices i want to make for my future. re-reading my old posts (which weren't too many, and i made them private lol) made me feel weird but nostalgic, and also gave me a boost of motivation to continue to write. it kinda gave me a spark that lets me know that i can literally, absolutely, do anything that i want, and write about the many things that i like, because i literally like so... many... things. 

another reason why i want to come back to this is because i've been wanting to start a youtube channel for MANY YEARS NOW but never did, cuz of my anxiety lol. every year, usually around the fall and winter seasons, i tell myself i'll make my first video and i began filming myself and all, but i never get to editing and posting it. also, i never liked how i felt or acted in the videos. it didn't feel right to me, i guess i wasn't confident, and i know that you should "fake it til you make it" but that quote never really made sense to me. (well it kinda does now but my headspace wasn't right at the time and something truly felt missing.) so i just want to start off with blogging first, it feels kind of better to me for now, especially because i always feel like i have a lot to say and i love to document thorough details. i do believe i'll get around to making a video soon, and i'm constantly jotting down ideas on what i want to film. i also want to try doing vlogmas this year because i tried to do it twice and i failed lol.

a recap of what has happened to me, since the last time i posted was when i was 17, issss that i'm 21 now! haha. i graduated from high school in '14, i went straight to community college the following fall semester, i began my first job ever at American Apparel that same year, i got my first car and a provisional driver's license at 19, i crashed that car 7 months later (i cried for a week) but my dad surprised me with a 2010 Subaru Impreza that i'm absolutely BLESSED AND GRATEFUL FOR, my anxiety and health was pretty bad when i began my second year in school so i went to the doctor and found out i was anemic, had a terrible ear infection called Labrynthitis, and i have generalized anxiety disorder, i went to Miami for the first time for Ultra Music Festival in 2016, and i was able to celebrate my 20th birthday with my friends there, i went to other festivals and shows that i loved loved loved such as Trillectro, i stopped going to school in Spring 2016 because i was feeling super off with myself, and my mom got sick, i got approved for medical marijuana to treat my TERRIBLE PERIOD CRAMPS (i want to make a whole post about this as well) but i need to get a referral note from a doctor, i got laid off from American Apparel since the whole company closed this year in February (but they restarted their online store) and haven't found a job since, i went to Hawaii this past spring break which was my second time, and i absolutely loved it and miss it every single day, and I am still looking for a job now that i have more time on my hands because I've been helping out with my mom this past summer for her job.

and thats basically what happened haha.

now what i'm currently doing is waiting to hear back from jobs. i applied to mostly animal related places because i've decided that veterinary technology is what i'm going to focus on for now, so that i can create my own animal sanctuary in the future, and travel to help heal and save animals. but it's not all that i'm going to do, because i've dreamed of becoming a fashion designer since middle school. i always knew that this was a real dream of mine, and art + fashion always helped me with my insecurities, anxiety, and depression growing up, but in high school when i was taking fashion classes, i had the opportunity to create a collection for the end of the school year fashion show, but i was completely out of it and i didn't know what my vision was, so i didn't participate. i didn't know what exactly i wanted to do with fashion as a career or what my goal or plan was. i knew it was okay to just go ahead and do it because it allowed me to be creative, but my mind was completely blank and i just couldn't really think for myself? i was insecure and was constantly thinking of what others thought of me, and my ideas. i skipped school a lot senior year and loved being alone, or at least with one other person. one of the reasons why i dreaded going to school was because everything was "loud noise" there, and like i said, i couldn't really think for myself. it was super distracting, and i was young and naive and didn't know what i was doing at all. feeling that way, along with my anxiety and insecurities, was just a huge pile of mess. i guess i truly needed the solitude that i had this year. 

to wrap this up because i'm writing too much lol, i want to mention that i am truly doing better than i ever have before, and i can say that with confidence. when i would say that in the past, it didn't sound true to me at all (the "fake it til you make it" thing) and i didn't feel "right" with myself. i've been trying new methods to help with my anxiety, insecurities, and understanding my self-worth, along with what it means to grow as a person. and these new methods are helping me tremenddouusslyyy, and its nothing crazy like rituals or remedies or some sort, it's just about spirituality, psychology, meditation, and prayer.

if you reached up to this point, thank you so much <3 i'm gonna try my dang best to post continuously, because i've learned that it's about consistency, to get to where you want to be. 

& i have to stop bullllshiii-in myself lmao.


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