Saturday, March 10, 2018

hello again!!! lmao (small re-cap, where my mind is at currently, a few realizations/lessons learned)

hey guys! haaaaa, i'm making a new post after disappearing again. a lot has happened since i made my last post (sept 2017) which was a moment of reflection for me, but literally maybe a week or so after writing that post, i got hired at an animal hospital which is new and big for me! i was also trying to figure out some schooling and financial situations but besides that, i was devoting a lot of time into my new job because i'm completely new to it. it has been really great now that a few months have passed and I'm getting more comfortable with what I've been taught, and i'm extremely grateful :)

it's almost spring which I always get excited about, but just as everyone says, i can't believe time is going by so fast??? i don't even remember these past few months that clearly besides working, but i guess thats what it does to you when you get a new job. i do remember getting korean bbq on New Year's Eve (I spent that whole day pampering myself and taking my time with my make up which I loved doing) and seeing fireworks in my neighborhood when the clock hit 12, i remember watching The Last Jedi and Insidious in theaters, and watching a lot of conspiracy theories/random history and informational videos with Brandon (we've spent so many nights doing this). Shane Dawson is now one of my favorite ppl to watch on YouTube lmao. I caught up with old family members that I lost contact with which was great, I've placed so many make up orders and I'm so tempted to sign up for the boxy charm box, and just recently I've taken my dogs to the vet to get blood work and a few surgical procedures done. :-) these are all things that i want to talk about more thoroughly, but lately i've been so conflicted on how much information i want to share to the public? (even tho the gov't prolly already knows so much sh about me and has it all stored somewhere lmao) (nah not funny) (....)

it's so strange to me because i know i've always wanted to do this kind of thing, and i was always open to people about my personal life, even if they weren't exactly my friend (and i also felt like they thought of me weirdly). i always looked at it as "we are all human, we all connect, and we can all learn and grow from one another... so why is it so bad to share personal details about ourselves?" but then i understood that it is simply because we get hurt by others, and that is exactly how i learned. so that's kind of where my head is at, i'm asking myself these questions, and this is my first time actually releasing it out in some kind of way, and i know i will figure out my answer (because it is good to release these emotions and thoughts) (emotions and thoughts aren't the same thing... i learned this and clearly know this in my head, but i write as if they are the same thing. writing and speaking is something i struggle with greatly, because i want to depict my thoughts and feelings as accurately as i can. i think a lot unintentionally!!)

it truly has been such a great year so far, even with the set backs, confusion, and some mental break downs that i've had (but it's so different this time because of how much my mindset has changed). i truly, HONESTLY, embrace these struggles. i know so many people, especially on social media, preach about how you need to stay positive "life will get easier" and say corny things, but all of those corny quotes are true, which is probably what you hear a lot too. Twitter makes it more realistic (which is why I love Twitter so much, follow me @uhleeez lmao), and that's what makes it easier for me because I get reminded of what I need to understand. What I want people to understand is that everything is about perspective. Literally, everything, is, truly, about, perspective. This is what I was sort of talking about in my last post where I said that I want to make an entire post about what I have learned; enlightenment I guess you can say, self-awareness, emotional intelligence, higher self, all of the above. You have to understand that there is a true, distinct, fine line between your feelings and the truth. The beginning of writing this post, I was excited to write again but hesitant because I kind of don't know what to write about, then I was making myself super confused and hesitant because I don't know how much information about myself I want to share, I know so many things but I honestly can't back up my information and defend myself to the T if anyone wants to debate with me (I guess cuz I'm so intuitive and open-minded??), I know that there is so much that I don't know, I'm aware that I am forever learning I can't just stay still, it doesn't feel right to me to stick with one opinion and one opinion only. I guess that is why I've been into watching informational videos (like the environment and science) because I like knowing the facts, but at the same time I'm watching conspiracy theory videos lmao. then i started to think to myself "just be you!!! its the easiest and the BEST thing you can do! you know this, what is the point of hesitating?' and it's just funny how much your feelings can mess you up, let alone if your heart & soul ain't "right", how are you going to truly prosper? (if you even want to). my point is that i know so many people, especially my age, are trying to get to where they want to be but hold themselves back because of these negative thoughts and emotions that wave over in their brain easily WE ALL KNOW THIS, and it is very human of us, but it takes work, training, and rewiring to think positive and to get your mind straight. it all starts with a choice. THIS IS ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE, AND CHOICES. and my other point was that my thought process is an example of how easy and human we are when we're trying to grow. i know these are things that everyone know (subconsciously) but we all need to be reminded. just like when you physically work out and you're in pain building that muscle, it functions the same way with our minds and souls. (i'm sure you heard of that example somewhere, but yalllllll.... like i said earlier)

and for frick sake i'm 21 (turning 22 very soon!!) and i'm just learning so much!!!! in a way i feel like my life is truly beginning because i've allowed myself to open my mind, and i believe this is the way to go. everyone needs to learn this, and i wish everyone could hop on board.

OH I also forgot to mention that I ordered my first pair of Yeezys ever which are the V2 Blue Tints, and they're truly stunning in person. I was able to order within the first 10 mins of the drop, and I know there was a pretty high stock but I feel like people are shleeeeeepppp. my sister thinks they're ugly but wtf does she know.

i use so many !!!! cuz of my anxiety ha. i definitely want to make "more serious" posts, but i'm trying to take it slow because i overwhelm myself with all of the ideas and things that i want to do (it usually leads to me not doing any of them at all) (perfectionist, laziness, procrastinator.)

i will end this here, i think i will try to make a detailed post explaining more about how we can't let our feelings and emotions control our lives/everything is about perspective. i know so many others are learning this as well, i see people talk about it on twitter, i also just recently watched Teddy's vlog where he sort of talks about it as well (it was perfect timing for me because i wasn't feeling the greatest at that moment) and i just wanna write my take on this topic.

if you're reading, thank you!


Friday, September 15, 2017

wats gud!!!

***warning: this is lengthy***

hello everyone!!! (no one really checked my blog when i was trying lmao but hey) 
it's so weird to be typing on here but it feels good, i can't believe it's been 3-5ish years since i've last made a blog post. i didn't make a lot of posts in the past, i mostly wrote them as an outlet even though i wasn't venting, but i've always loved sharing my ideas, thoughts, opinions, things that are happening, and whatever projects i'm working on. what mostly stopped me from writing was my anxiety, which began during my junior year of HS, and affected my health during my second year in college. but now that i've allowed myself to have time off and to have solitude (i want to create a whole post about this), i'm feeling more better about myself and confident about what choices i want to make for my future. re-reading my old posts (which weren't too many, and i made them private lol) made me feel weird but nostalgic, and also gave me a boost of motivation to continue to write. it kinda gave me a spark that lets me know that i can literally, absolutely, do anything that i want, and write about the many things that i like, because i literally like so... many... things. 

another reason why i want to come back to this is because i've been wanting to start a youtube channel for MANY YEARS NOW but never did, cuz of my anxiety lol. every year, usually around the fall and winter seasons, i tell myself i'll make my first video and i began filming myself and all, but i never get to editing and posting it. also, i never liked how i felt or acted in the videos. it didn't feel right to me, i guess i wasn't confident, and i know that you should "fake it til you make it" but that quote never really made sense to me. (well it kinda does now but my headspace wasn't right at the time and something truly felt missing.) so i just want to start off with blogging first, it feels kind of better to me for now, especially because i always feel like i have a lot to say and i love to document thorough details. i do believe i'll get around to making a video soon, and i'm constantly jotting down ideas on what i want to film. i also want to try doing vlogmas this year because i tried to do it twice and i failed lol.

a recap of what has happened to me, since the last time i posted was when i was 17, issss that i'm 21 now! haha. i graduated from high school in '14, i went straight to community college the following fall semester, i began my first job ever at American Apparel that same year, i got my first car and a provisional driver's license at 19, i crashed that car 7 months later (i cried for a week) but my dad surprised me with a 2010 Subaru Impreza that i'm absolutely BLESSED AND GRATEFUL FOR, my anxiety and health was pretty bad when i began my second year in school so i went to the doctor and found out i was anemic, had a terrible ear infection called Labrynthitis, and i have generalized anxiety disorder, i went to Miami for the first time for Ultra Music Festival in 2016, and i was able to celebrate my 20th birthday with my friends there, i went to other festivals and shows that i loved loved loved such as Trillectro, i stopped going to school in Spring 2016 because i was feeling super off with myself, and my mom got sick, i got approved for medical marijuana to treat my TERRIBLE PERIOD CRAMPS (i want to make a whole post about this as well) but i need to get a referral note from a doctor, i got laid off from American Apparel since the whole company closed this year in February (but they restarted their online store) and haven't found a job since, i went to Hawaii this past spring break which was my second time, and i absolutely loved it and miss it every single day, and I am still looking for a job now that i have more time on my hands because I've been helping out with my mom this past summer for her job.

and thats basically what happened haha.

now what i'm currently doing is waiting to hear back from jobs. i applied to mostly animal related places because i've decided that veterinary technology is what i'm going to focus on for now, so that i can create my own animal sanctuary in the future, and travel to help heal and save animals. but it's not all that i'm going to do, because i've dreamed of becoming a fashion designer since middle school. i always knew that this was a real dream of mine, and art + fashion always helped me with my insecurities, anxiety, and depression growing up, but in high school when i was taking fashion classes, i had the opportunity to create a collection for the end of the school year fashion show, but i was completely out of it and i didn't know what my vision was, so i didn't participate. i didn't know what exactly i wanted to do with fashion as a career or what my goal or plan was. i knew it was okay to just go ahead and do it because it allowed me to be creative, but my mind was completely blank and i just couldn't really think for myself? i was insecure and was constantly thinking of what others thought of me, and my ideas. i skipped school a lot senior year and loved being alone, or at least with one other person. one of the reasons why i dreaded going to school was because everything was "loud noise" there, and like i said, i couldn't really think for myself. it was super distracting, and i was young and naive and didn't know what i was doing at all. feeling that way, along with my anxiety and insecurities, was just a huge pile of mess. i guess i truly needed the solitude that i had this year. 

to wrap this up because i'm writing too much lol, i want to mention that i am truly doing better than i ever have before, and i can say that with confidence. when i would say that in the past, it didn't sound true to me at all (the "fake it til you make it" thing) and i didn't feel "right" with myself. i've been trying new methods to help with my anxiety, insecurities, and understanding my self-worth, along with what it means to grow as a person. and these new methods are helping me tremenddouusslyyy, and its nothing crazy like rituals or remedies or some sort, it's just about spirituality, psychology, meditation, and prayer.

if you reached up to this point, thank you so much <3 i'm gonna try my dang best to post continuously, because i've learned that it's about consistency, to get to where you want to be. 

& i have to stop bullllshiii-in myself lmao.